22.10.11

Six Degrees of Suck (Part 1)

You all know the game, "Six Degrees of Separation". If you don't, here's an accurate description from the source of all accurate information, Wikipedia:

"Six degrees of separation refers to the idea that everyone is on average approximately six steps away, by way of introduction, from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of "a friend of a friend" statements can be made, on average, to connect any two people in six steps or fewer."

This is not the only version of the game, either: there's also "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", which requires you to connect any individual to Kevin Bacon.

Well, I would like to introduce to you a new and improved version of the beloved game that I came up with this morning: Six Degrees of Suck.

(Kevin Bacon sucks, so it seems only fitting.)

In this version, what you're required to do is start from one individual who sucks and link all the way through to another individual who sucks, with only six steps to go -- and each degree should suck, too. For this round, I will begin with Kevin Bacon, for obvious reasons. My goal is to get to Kristen Stewart, who is the famous actress I currently find to suck the most. So, let's start with:

Degree #1: Kevin Bacon Greg Grunberg


Connection: both starred in Hollow Man, 2000

Why Greg Grunberg Sucks:

Because he starred in Heroes and, unless you're Kristen Bell, that's reason enough to suck. In fact, here's a quote regarding Heroes's fate, at the time when its much delayed cancellation had not been announced yet:

“We wrapped yesterday and the [final episode] is nowhere near a series finale. It is cliffhanger-y and exciting, but it is nowhere near an end to a series that people are so invested in. It does not tie everything up in a neat bow… I don’t have any doubt that the show will be back.”

Brought to you by Greg Grunberg logic: if the season finale is "cliffhanger-y and exciting", then it's not the series finale.

(The knives in the hearts of Veronica Mars fans everywhere are twisting right now.)

Newsflash, Greg: morons suck.

#2: Greg Grunberg Melissa George


Connection: both starred in Alias, 2001-2006

Why Melissa George Sucks:

Because if I wanted something cold and milky white on my TV screen, I'd cum in a jar, put the jar in the fridge for two hours and then decorate my TV set with it.

Please, Melissa, stop accepting TV roles.

#3: Melissa George Rose McGowan



Connection: both starred in Charmed, 1998-2006

Why Rose McGoAway Sucks:

Because she starred in Charmed and, unless you're Charisma Carpenter, that's reason enough to suck. But even if she had starred in Space Odyssey or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, she still would've sucked because she's talentless.

Rose McGoAway is the type of celebrity that makes you mad that celebrities get paid so much money, not just because they don't deserve it, but because they also waste it on stuff like this:

("My most recent plastic surgery brought my inner beauty out.")

#4: Rose McGowan Bruce Willis


Connection: both starred in Planet Terror, 2007

Why Bruce Willis Sucks:

Because he starred in four Die Hard films. Count them: four.

#5: Bruce Willis Kristen Stewart


Connection: both starred in What Just Happened, 2008

Why Kristen Stewart Sucks:

Seriously? You need me to answer that?

...

Made it. In fewer than six degrees, too. That was difficult and time-consuming, but I might try it again in a few weeks. If you have any suggestions for celebrities that suck, feel free to name them.

P.S. In case you still haven't noticed by now, you just lost the game.

4 comments:

  1. I will no longer speak to you, because Bruce Willis is awesome. Awe-some.

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  2. Four Die Hard films. Four.

    Oh, well. The only celebrities I think really really suck from this list are Rose McGoAway and Kristen Stewart. I'm actually mostly indifferent towards the rest, but you can't imagine how hard it is to play this game with people who really, beyond any shadow of a doubt, suck.

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  3. Well, Kristen Stewart does lead to Mr. Sparkly Pants himself... And both Sparkly Pants and Sullenface lead to The Evil One, Stephenie Meyer, who could be considered a celebrity...

    Honorably mentions include Shia LeBoeuf, who, if this were a fair world, would greet every morning being punched in the nuts, and Michael Cera, who I fervently pray to all the gods I don't believe in never reproduces.

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  4. "If I wanted something cold and milky white on my TV screen, I'd cum in a jar, put the jar in the fridge for two hours and then decorate my TV set with it." Legend you. But I agree with V, Bruce Willis is quite awesome. Keep posting Noel! x

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