Why Clowns Suck

I discovered this on Facebook today:

I don't agree with the first part of the statement -- in fact, I find the "everything happens for a reason" response to things rather infuriating --, but I have to concur with the rest: clowns. What the hell?

I watched It when I was in high-school. (When I say "watched", I mean paid attention for the first thirty minutes, then spent the rest of the time gossiping with my then best friend while the film was in fast-forward in the background.) The suckiness of the film aside, the concept of the story hits quite close to home: clowns are fucking horrible, and you should be ashamed if you are one.

(You should be even more ashamed if you are two.)

A lot of people seem to be suffering from the same phobia as I: coulrophobia, commonly known as "fear of clowns". (If there are Facebook groups about it, you know there's plenty of us.) It is to all those fellows out there that I dedicate this post, in the name of coulrophobia pride and solidarity, which explains why clowns suck. Here we go:

#1: Because they're not funny.

Futurama is funny. People falling asleep on the train are funny. Even Hollywood dramas are occasionally funny. You know what is definitely not funny? I'll tell you what: some dude dressed in giant shoes, colourful costumes and a wig, covering his ugly face behind make-up. What that is, my friends, is fucked up.

Here's a joke for you:

A student, a doctor, a pilot, a writer and a clown meet in a bar. While they're having pints, the student asks: "So, what do you guys do for a living?"

The doctor answers: "Well, I do surgeries and I save people's lives."

"Nice," the student says. He then turns to the pilot. "How about you?"

The pilot answers: "Oh, I drive airplanes, so I deliver hundreds of people to their destinations every day."

"Cool," the student says. He then turns to the writer. "How about you?"

The writer answers: "I write books, and through those I entertain people."

By then, all eyes are focused on the clown. The student asks him: "How about you?"

The clown answers: "I put make-up on, go to parties and make children cry."


Do you think that joke wasn't funny? That's because clowns aren't funny.

#2: Because becoming a clown is a terrible life choice.

As the previous non-funny joke very clearly illustrates, there's something very wrong with the concept that people would willingly decide to follow a profession that automatically includes them in one of the most hated groups on the planet.

How does one decide to become a clown, exactly? Can someone explain this to me?

("People at school always thought I was creepy, so I thought I'd make a living out of it.")

("Ever since I saw It, I knew that my dream was to kill little children.")

("I suffer from social anxiety, so this profession helps reaffirm my belief that everyone hates me.")

Whatever terrible thing happened to all those clowns out there in their childhood years that led them to this career, I think it's time for them to be adults about it and take the normal approach: GO TO THERAPY.

#3: Because they're creepy.

Come on. Do a google search on "creepy clowns". I dare ya. I double dare ya. I triple dare ya, if that's what you're into. 

No? All right.

You just saved yourself from having to look at pictures like this:

Or this:

Or, dear god, this:

("This is my latest attempt at getting my wife to divorce me.")

The way I see it, clowns exist for one reason only: to make you feel better. You see, when your life sucks so much that you can't take it any more, when your boyfriend/girlfriend has dumped you, when your job is sucking the soul out of you, when your own kids despise you, when all you have to wake up for every day is that wank in the shower and that frozen pizza for dinner (and to hell with the calories!), all you have to do is take a pause and think to yourself: "at least I'm not a clown."

Thank you, clowns of the world, for making our problems look smaller in comparison.

("You're welcome. See you in your nightmares tonight, asshole.")

#4: Because does anyone have any doubt that they're evil?

If you're still not convinced, take a look at this:

I rest my case.

PS. I do not recommend researching clowns if you're coulrophobic. There is some creepy stuff online regarding clowns. I mean, take a look at this. What the fuck?


  1. Clowns and their bastard cousins, the mimes. Soon they will rise up and take over the world.

    That day MUST NOT COME.

  2. I find mimes much less intimidating than clowns, but they're still fucking horrible.

    You know there's no such thing as a "God" when creatures like these are allowed to walk the earth.