16.6.12

Why A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Great Right Now

OK, so it's been a long while since my last post and I could probably come up with a thousand excuses about that, but it would all boil down to one simple fact: I've been busy, and I've been spending my free time doing other things. Also, I've been trying to abstain from bitching too much.

(How I look like most of the time lately.)


I have, however, been thinking about the blog often. My flatmate asked me the other day if I still maintain it, and I said "yes". I also feel bad for all the masses out there checking this page every day when they wake up in the morning, just hoping against hope that I've posted something new and awesome again. I'm sure that you've all lost sleep over it, and for that I apologise profusely.


Anyway, from now on I promise to try harder to satisfy your needs for some bitching in your lives. If my free time has been limited so far, it's only bound to get worse: I've just completed my training for volunteering in the prison service (and I'll hopefully start within the next two months if all goes well), I'm starting an advanced course in German and a beginner's course in Spanish in a month, and I still work full-time and write my book in my spare time. Therefore, I think the most realistic promise would be a post a month.

(Please deposit the fucks you give in the comment section.)

So...

Before I get to the topic of this post, a side note: remember my official complaint to NatWest? (If you don't, you can just scroll down a bit. It's hard to miss.) Last week I found out that I've received £210 in compensation for the service I was provided with, which the bank itself conceded was "well below the standards" any customers should expect. Suffice to say, I'm incredibly happy about it. See, people! Complaining does pay!

(One of the top results when you google "Complaining pays".
Your guess is as good as mine.)

Now, the actual topic. 


I'm assuming that none of you live in a cave or under a rock, and you have thus noticed a few articles like this surfacing the web. On the off-chance that internet reception is good enough for my blog in caves, however, the gist is this: some guy in Miami took a drug called "bath salt", then he proceeded to strip naked and attack a homeless man by chewing his face off. After that, this being the era of sensational journalism, a few more articles surfaced, covering similar cases of zombie-like behaviours.

The situation must've been pretty bad, since the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, a federal agency in the US, felt the need to make a statement, clarifying to the public that there is no such thing as a "zombie".

(And I got all excited for nothing.)

I will not focus on the case of the zombie man himself and his victim. I saw the pictures, and they weren't nice. In fact, if you're on a diet, I'd say seeking them would be a smart way of making sure you don't break your no-food rules. (I'm not linking to them. Seek them yourself. The Sun published them on their website.) And it's not my intention to make fun of a person who'll most likely suffer for the rest of his life from now on because someone else just decided to abuse a drug and turn them into a snack.

But I've got to say, for all the news and speculations about a zombie apocalypse brewing across the ocean, I'm slightly disappointed that there's a perfectly reasonable, scientific explanation behind the event. If you ask me, a zombie apocalypse would be just the thing the world needs right now. Here's why:

#1. Most TV Shows Are Boring Right Now.

Community has no Dan Harmon anymore. Misfits originals Simon and Alisha have departed. The entire cast of Being Human has been replaced. It's been about four series since Skins was still watchable. We won't have new Doctor Who episodes before August. The 2011-2012 season in the US has concluded, and it has been a mediocre one, all in all. If you exclude a few popular sensations like Game of Thrones (which I personally only watched twenty minutes of before I grew bored, so I obviously can't judge) or True Blood (which became dull about ten minutes into the pilot and which, for some completely inexplicable reason, just refuses to kill the most irritating TV character ever off), there's not much on TV right now.

(We were all happy for about five seconds there.)

If nothing else, a zombie apocalypse would bring some excitement into our lives. We all know what a gruesome, voyeuristic species we are: that's exactly why we have come up with the concept of zombies, among other things. So what would happen if the zombie apocalypse in the US were real? Well, I don't know about you, but I'd buy a TV so I could watch from the comfort of my safe house in London until the virus somehow crossed over. (At which point I'd run for my life.) And I bet most of you would do the same. I'm sure that the entertainment industry would be delighted: it would be like a reality show taken to the next level.

(Think of the possibilities.)

Of course, that would be assuming that real life would be more creative than the writers of TV shows and films about zombies, which might actually be asking too much, but at least even the shittiest film would be ten times better if all the actors were zombies. Imagine, for example, Twilight, the Zombie Version.


...OK, this one looks the same, but imagine some other film. You get what I mean.

#2. The Financial Crisis.

But there are far more serious reasons to be rooting for a zombie apocalypse. If you've been reading the news, you might've noticed this pesky thing called "the financial crisis" that has been going on for the past three years around the globe. Apparently, it has been making people lose their jobs and commit suicides, and it has driven nations to questionable austerity measures to pay back their loans.

So how would a zombie outbreak help?

It's simple. Everyone's fired! Nobody has a job, and nobody needs money. You don't even have to go through all the trouble of thinking up a way to kill yourself: just get to the zombies and they'll do it for you, free of charge. And if you're hungry, you don't have to browse through the rubbish of other people like a poor person. Just raid a supermarket! All the cool zombie fighters do it.


If nothing else, a zombie apocalypse would put things into perspective. You think it's bad that you work like a dog for £6 per hour in a career that has nothing to do with what you studied? Try fighting off or escaping a horde of zombies while cornered in an alley, then come back and say that.

("You were right, Noel.")

And think about all the marketable skills you will acquire, should you survive the outbreak. Your CV will be spectacular afterwards:

ACHIEVEMENTS AND SKILLS

Computing Skills: Experience in basic Microsoft and Macintosh programmes and word processors, as well as a significant understanding of Internet Explorer, Access, PowerPoint and Excel. 

Willingness to learn: Have consistently showed interest in learning about the responsibilities of my supervisors and managers, e.g. promoting merchandise, handling complaints, chopping heads off zombies.

Self–Motivation: Achieved a 2:1 in my Bachelor’s degree while working for the duration of my studies to fund my Master’s. Killed more than 100 zombies on my own during the Apocalypse Months.


And don't even get me started on the elimination of the competition.

#3. It's 2012.


Cue ominous music.

#4. It's Summer of 2012.

Ominous music intensifies...



Seriously. I would much rather have to deal with a zombie apocalypse than with the Olympics. At least with the zombie apocalypse I wouldn't feel bad about wanting to kick people's faces if they came dangerously close. Also, I wouldn't have to use the tube.

Even if the Olympics still went though, however, a zombie outbreak would make them just about bearable. Imagine getting an annoying tourist customer at work:

*Noel cocks gun, aims at tourist*
Noel: "Oops! Sorry. Thought you were one of 'em walkers."
*tourist skedaddles*
Noel: "Next please!"

...Come to think of it, this is another reason to want a zombie outbreak.


(Can you tell I've been suppressing my need to complain for too long?)

Which brings me to my final, concluding argument...

#5. There's still too many Twilight fans in the world.



And in the words of Bender...


Convinced yet?

Before I conclude, here are some linguistic suggestions for the post-apocalyptic world:


PROPOSED POST-ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE VOCABULARY


undead end: an end of a road or passage from which no exit is possible due to a zombie horde blocking the way

deadlicious: a tasty human

human-eat-human: competitive

The list is a work in progress; you are welcome to add your own.