Why the "Dexter" Finale Sucked

You can all breathe easily again. I'm back.

It's been a very busy year in many ways (starting new courses, publishing a book --SHAMELESS PROMOTION WILL FOLLOW SOON--, applying, travelling, meeting new people), but I won't focus on that now. I've got better things to do. It's time to start the bashing.


So I watched the Dexter finale the other day, like every other fan who had desperately held on after years and years of continuous disappointment, and discovered that I should have probably quit back in season 4, after Rita died.

How do I put this lightly?


Where do I start?

Oh, yeah.

Hanna is the only fugitive? Are you fucking serious? We've spent eight years waiting for someone to discover that Dexter was a psychopath. We've been dreaming of the moment when the manhunt would begin and Dexter would run for his life. We thought we were getting there when LaGuerta caught on to Dexter and Debra killed her to protect her brother. (Excellent cliffhanger, by the way. Just as wasted as Rita's death.) And no one finds out?!

I mean, we knew already that Miami Metro was incompetent. Those pathetic morons wouldn't have been able to catch a handicapped serial killer with a spoon before he offed half a dozen. But come on. It's a show. Make it happen. This is as disappointing as when Nancy Botwin's only punishment for her crimes was her daughter-in-law keeping her grandchild away.

(Woe is you.)

And on the subject of fugitives, do you seriously mean to tell me that Hannah, a wanted fugitive whose face is paraded on TV on a daily basis... did not think once to invest in a fucking wig? A pair of sunglasses? A bloody haircut?! 

(Even Ringer knew that much, and that show was a bloody train wreck if I ever saw one.)

Secondly... How the fuck did Dexter even manage to unplug Debra?! I know there's a hurricane going on, but incompetence must be a statewide thing if nobody realised that a comatose patient had been unplugged, then carried off into a fucking boat in the middle of the day. Dexter doesn't even bother to hide the body, he just strides right through the crowd as if it's nobody's business. Shit, he even wears his kill-suit... You know, the same set of clothes he was wearing when he supposedly discovered Dr Vogel's dead body. At least he's effective at one thing: getting blood stains off his shirt.

Also... Harrison ends up with Hannah?! So basically that boy will be raised by a serial killer, one way or another.

I love how they tried to pass Hannah off as a nice, innocent, misunderstood lady in season 8. This is the same woman who tried to kill Debra, and Debra just lets her crash at her house, water under the bridge and all that. First of all, no one gives a fuck about Hannah. Don't get me wrong, she was all right in season 7, but her return in season 8 was as pointless as...well...everything else that happened, I guess.

And where were they going with her, anyway? Was she supposed to be one of the things that Dexter had to "give up" because everything he loves dies? Oh, cry me a fucking river. They dated for, what? Three weeks? And how did they start dating? By him trying to kill her, if I remember correctly. And how did they part ways? By him putting her in prison. And how did they reconnect? By her poisoning him and Debra. (She never intended to kill them, though. No, no. She wouldn't do that.)

And there's the other thing... Dexter survived a fucking hurricane.

OK, so you wanted him to fake his death. Fine. I can get past the incredible stupidity of that plot twist. You also wanted him to dump his sister into the ocean like the rest of his victims, since he felt responsible for her death. Fine, OK. (Screw everyone else who ever loved her and will never find out what happened to her body -- or Debra's wishes, for that matter.) But did he really have to fake his death by driving straight into a hurricane?

I can't help but imagine Dexter swimming in the middle of the ocean, desperately holding onto a plank of wood from his destroyed boat, and mumbling to himself: "Imsostupidimsostupidimsostupid"

Yes. You are.

But let's back up a little bit. How did Debra die? She got shot by the most pathetic antagonist Dexter has ever had. And why did she get shot? Because U.S. Marshal Max Clayton untied him. A guy who hunts criminals for a living did not recognise the serial killer whose face has been on TV for days, and has been seen by more people than Paris Hilton's boobs. 

What the fuck were the writers smoking this past season?!

I read this interview on TVLine.com, where EP Sarah Colleton says the following: "I know people will wonder what’s going to happen to Quinn and Harrison and Hannah and everyone, but this has always been Dexter’s story."


ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, LADY? All the fans have been complaining for years that we don't give a flying fuck about most of the secondary cast. We know that Dexter is not an ensemble show, dear, we don't need you to remind us. First of all, we can read the show's title. Secondly, if it were an ensemble show, characterisation would not take the form of random marriages and divorces, daughters out of nowhere with free-range boobs and openings of pubs that are quickly forgotten. I find it impossible to come up with more than three adjectives to describe most of the secondary characters. And I don't care. Fuck Quinn. We've been begging for him to die a violent death for years. Fuck Masuka. Fuck Batista.

But if you wanted to focus on Dexter only, you wouldn't have wasted hours of our lives pretending that you're developing these useless creatures. And you would've given us a satisfying ending to the characters you --supposedly-- did develop.

Oh, yeah. Dexter developed. He became a lumberjack.

(And grew a beard.)

I'm also pretty sure that Dexter is at the LOST island in the final scene.

So, yeah. I'm sorry for this show, because it used to be brilliant. And I'm sorry for myself, because I wasted countless hours by tuning in for seasons 5 through 8. And I'm sorry for everyone else who did the same.

But I'm not sorry for Dexter, because fuck his pathetic Everyone-I-love-dies-so-I-became-a-lumberjack punishment. Fuck it sideways with a chainsaw.